Ho Ho Ho.....................................

Ireland - 31st October - Halloween, walk into a shopping centre and what do I see?

Scary Witches? Ghouls? Ghosts or even more scary the latest Twilight Poster - har har har!!

No much worse than that...................A Christmas Tree!!!

So whether we like it or not the silly season will be upon us quite soon.

This is the time of the year where normal responsible parents tell their children that a total stranger dressed in red who usually lives in the North Pole with little elves will be allowed enter their home by the chimney leaving his sleigh and reindeers on the roof and leave presents by the Christmas tree or better still enter their bedroom and leave it at the foot of their bed!

And that's only if they have behaved themselves!!

Night night honey!!!

Ah Christmas you just got to love it.

When my children were younger it was fairly easy getting into the whole Santa Claus routine, start from Sept 1st

"oh if you are naughty Santa will not bring you anything" or

"Santa Claus will hear about your bad behaviour" and basically keep them dangling until Dec 25th, ah bliss!

And as for the gifts well I kinda cheated a bit!!

Okay a lot, as all their birthdays are in the Spring occasionally they got a really good birthday present so this one got re-wrapped and given by Santa at Christmas - see I was a good at recycling, more green than mean!!!

And it worked like a dream for a while until one day their memories actually started been better than goldfishes.

And then it happens one Christmas morning I hear that awful sentence!!

"oh whoopee I now have two!! I got one for my birthday and now one for Christmas - cool!!"

 

 

Then there is the age old dilemma "when do you tell them THE TRUTH!"

There are all sorts of advice on this:

don't tell them they'll figure it out - too risky knowing my lot they could drag this out until they are 30 yrs old!

get their grandparents to tell them  - maybe not as you may need them to babysit one day and the kids may refuse to visit the "Santa Killers"

let their friends tell them!  - no don't give satisfaction to the little smug brat who goes round the school yard telling everyone in their little whiny voice "your parents buy the gifts................"

Or the best one!

they'll just 'know' - seriously have you met my children?

 

I decided since I started all of this then I have to be the one to tell the whole truth or as near it as possible- so to speak. I thought the best time to tell was not coming up to Christmas but during the summer so when my eldest son was 9 years old I decided to tell them the origins of Santa Claus with St Nicholas etc however for some reason (I promise no alcohol was involved - I think) we ended up talking about how babies were made and at the end of that summer holiday he knew the facts of life and still believed in Santa Claus (does that sound like a plan gone wrong?).

Then one evening after Christmas and just before his 10th birthday (I kid you not, see I was a really good liar, oops storyteller!), I was running about like a mad woman cooking dinner for 20 people, doing sixty baskets of laundry (slight exaggeration) and cleaning the house (for those who know me that is a BIG EXAGGERATION) and in all of this he decides to ask me questions about Santa Claus, where does he live exactly? what does he eat? does he really exist?and well I just blurted out 'Not Really"(did I mention that I had an almighty bad headache too) he burst into tears!!

My brain went quickly into overdrive (rarely happens but a sight to behold!!)

I dusted down my well prepared speech and told him how parents liked to keep up the tradition of St Nicholas etc etc wiped his tears, calmed him down bribed him not to tell his brother and sister and all was well with the world until he said

"what about the Easter rabbit and Tooth fairy?"

That's when I opened the wine bottle and the rest is a blur!!

 

So for my second child, my daugther, I decided this time I'll be cool, calm and collected. Waited until Christmas time was done and dusted and picked a time when there was just the two of us together.  Coming back in the car from a shopping trip I told her the story of Santa Claus.

At first there was total silence and I thought "oh crap she is going to cry her eyes out!".

 

Then she started to ask how we managed to hide everything on them.

Suddenly we became the Houdinis of Christmas, how did I hide her bike? her doll's house? (well that was easy I only remembered at 11.45pm on Christmas Eve that the bloody thing had to be put together!! did it quickly while drinking champagne and it still stands today!) however she got a more sober and shorter story.

She was fascinated by the way we hid the gifts etc and couldn't believe that we did that every year and that she never guessed (round applause please!)

Naturally she was then bribed/threatened not to tell her youngest brother.

 

Now telling the last child will be a tricky one, he still cries about the cat that "ran away" three years ago and also about the turtle that got flattened by a truck four years ago so I am honestly not rushing into this, don't want to be one who kills Christmas.

 

At present my plan is to whisper it to him as he comes down the aisle at his wedding, any other suggestions?

Best foot first forward...................................

Ah Spring is in the air so time to put away the winter clothes until the cold returns which will properly arrive in about two weeks. One of my worries is that people will realise that what they thought was winter padding was in fact me!

Then there are my feet, still two of them thank goodness but every year I feel that they have gotten larger over the winter, I am not kidding, they hibernate and come out looking like hobbit feet.

And then this Spring I was invited to a wedding so I had to wear something other than my birkenstockes. So off I went to get myself some nice shoes, well easier said than done.
My eleven year old daughter came with me and laughed her head off everytime I put on a pair of shoes with heels!
"No they are too high for you and bad for your back"
Okay I did tell her that but that was for HER not me!!!
Anyway I climbed into a pair of high heels and tottered round for a few minutes and I do mean totter!
I was never one to wear heels even when I was younger but needs must for a wedding, I must look like an adult for at least 10 minutes!!
I bought a pair and left the shop with a laughing daughter, my husband was even amazed with what I bought and said "you are actually going to wear these????", ah goody even after all this time I can still surprise him.

I was determined to master walking with these shoes for the wedding, I walked around the house in them - trot trot trot (that is noise I was making!), walked around the garden - trot trot trot avoid children playing as they think this is a great game, then actually walked the dog up and down on our street - trot trot trot the dog is giving me weird looks now and is embarrassed to be seen with me!!
No good I was getting vertigo been so high, I felt birds could build their nest on me.

What did I do? Admit defeat? No way!
Like the mature adult I am I hid that pair of shoes and bought another pair that had a heel but did not put me in the clouds - my daughter would know straight away but husband would not have a clue unless he found the first pair but that won't happen as they are well hidden - right in front of him!!!

After a few more trotting sessions and embarassing the dog I was fine, wedding went well, looked like an adult for 9.6 minutes (new record) needles to say the minute the dancing started the shoes were off before you could say "high heels" and flat shoes on and I was dancing my little butt off (okay it is not that little but thats another story).

And I am sure I will master walking in high heels before the next wedding...................now where did I hide those shoes?

102 Hours

Is this how long it took me to log on to Facebook? Nope

Is this how long it took me to clean my house? Nope need WAY more time for that!

Is this how long I was stuck in the bath when I was 9 months pregnant? Nope and that is another story!

That is how long I had all to myself in my own house. Great achievement really because the last time that happened was over 9 years ago when I was pregnant on my last child.

To say it was bliss would be an understatement. I do love my children and husband most of the time especially when they are at school/work or asleep but it was pure freedom to be at home and doing what I wanted rather than having people looking for food, drink or comfort on a regular basis. I could actually watch something on television without an age limit on it and could stay up late and not pay for it the next day by having a real lie-in!!!!

At one point it looked like that they wouldn't be leaving due to hubbie's work commitments but once it was finally decided after a very deep and meaningful heart to heart discussion "ye are bloody well going I want to catch up on Desperate Housewives" the suitcases were packed and loaded in the car before anyone changed their mind, to be honest I have never packed suitcases so fast in my entire life!

The dog and I happily waved them off on their 5 hour car journey - enjoy hubbie dear (he he he).
Two hours later as I sat lazily on the couch chilling out my youngest son rings me to check when he will see me again, yep the car journey must be going well!!

Besides catching up on televison I also sorted out paperwork, clothes, photos, my office  and falling down steps and twisting my foot - you see extremely busy!!!

As a mother you are in constant demand from someone whether they are little or big or have two or four legs, there is always someone or something demanding your attention so it is nice to have a break and do what you want when you wish.
I mean even God got Sunday off when he made earth so why can't I?

I joined the children on their trip and did the return the 5 hour car journey so very quickly my 102 hours of freedom were forgotten! So you know what that means? Yep hubbie will have to take them off for another trip so that I can remember those hours of bliss!!!

Opps begin again..........................

Ah just shoot me, I was doing so well and then BANG, back to the beginning, yep my friggin new year's resolution went out the window which is annoying because I actually got past January!!!

I have atempted different types of resolutions like:
stop writing to George Clooney, stop phoning George Clooney, stop collecting restraining orders from George Clooney .....amazingly the medication helped out on this one!!!!

So I moved on to other resolutions, one year I decided that every month I would send a letter to a friend, well I thought that the old fashioned way has its' charms and I certainly love getting letters, nice idea wasn't it, until September rolled round and I realised that I had sent absolutely NOTHING to anyone!! so like a homework assignment I wrote 9 letters and well when I say "letters" half of them were postcards, well the people who received were pleased.
(no George did not receive any I was cured that year!!)

And then of course are the old ones you drag up now and then, go on a diet, this is an easy one because at Christmas/New Year time all the women's magazines are just full of stories on women who lost LOADS of weight really fast, well it seems that way because first of all you see the 'before' photo on the cover and by the time you get to page 56 you see the 'after' photo you see how quickly it goes.
Certain women related that when they divorced their husbands that the weight just "fell off" - does that mean that they were carrying them?
Anyway the kids won't go for that idea.
"Children I need to divorce your father to loose weight!" no can't see that one working.

No this year I picked something simple and easy to follow, or so I thought.

My simple resolution this year was to be zen on school day mornings, yes Zen-Mum!
Seems simple right?

No more T-Rex Mum,screaming,crying, running around like a headless chicken or dinosaur, shouting "get up" "eat your breakfast" "get dressed" "brush your teeth, hair, body-hair etc" "get your bus ticket" "RUN"!! and that was just for the husband so you can imagine what it is like for the children.

I was doing so well and things were going smoothly and then this morning due to the snow I thought I would drive my eldest son to the bus stop because I was Zen Mum so I could do it all, it was literally a two minute drive, just as we arrived at the stop he announced that he had forgotten his bus ticket!!!!

Well in literally 2.5 seconds Zen Mum turned into T-Rex Mum yep I roared!!!!
And for the two minute drive to and from the house - do the math - yep 4 minutes, I roared !!!

Anyway all is well again T-Rex Mum has left the building (for now) and Zen Mum is due to land tomorrow morning to start the resolution malarky again and hopefully will not have to learn the lyrics of "Opps I did it again................."(but that is not a resolution!!)

Maybe I should go back to the George Clooney resolution..................

Today is for smiling.....................................

Today old letters will be read.

Today photographs will remind me of good times.

Today I will remind myself that I was lucky she was my 'Mam'.

Today happy memories will be shared with my children.

Today the jokes, the laughs and the endless cups of tea will be fondly remembered.

Today I will hum her favourtie songs

Today is a reminder that eight years is a drop in the ocean.

Today a candle will be lit in rememberance.

Today sadness will be pushed aside.

Today I will remember her voice, her laugh and her smile.


Today is for smiling............................................and maybe a few little tears.

Divide and conquer..................................not!

You know the film 'Clash of the Titans' well that is actually based on what happens in my household.

Granted chez moi it is a low-budget version of it but basically the plot of family members not getting on and causing mayhem in the household is quite present.

So like a film this is how it takes place;

1st Child enters a room looking for a sibling to bother (okay maybe not exactly looking for someone to bother but definately looking for 'something' to do)
2nd Child does not want to be bothered and therefore gets into 'defense' mode (this defense mode can take on many forms, shouting, hitting, throwing stuff at sibling, there even has been a case of biting!)
3rd Child either decides to be the peacemaker or joins in with the fight (either way he or she will also end up with injuries!)

Then follows lots of special effects - mostly shouting, stamping feet, slamming doors (well this is a low-budget version) and then someone gets hurt and cries and then I hear that sweet sound of
"MAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
been screamed around the house in different voices until someone finds me
(I really need to find better hiding places)

This does not happen on a daily basis, only on days ending in 'y'!

I check for injuries, any cuts and bruises, any loose teeth, the usual inspection then rant like a fish-wife for five minutes, once I get my breath back I then become like Zeus I pass a sentence - everyone is 'banished' to their rooms and are 'forbidden' to speak each other.

Then calm reigns in the household and along come the closing credits with the words
THE END............................................or is it.

The first 30 minutes are calm and then I will hear a bedroom door creak open really quietly and Zeus-like I bellow up the stairs
"where are you going?"
a squeaky voice answers
"getting a drink/going to the toilet/finding my limb that fell off during the fight"

Then there is the whispering and patter of feet so been god-like and nosey I go to check it out and that is when I find the three of them all together in one room playing a game together like little angels and thats when I would like to turn into Medusa and turn the little blighters into stone!

Way back when I had more than 5 brain cells (B.C. before children) the idea of having lots of children seemed such a good idea but the thing we forget is that once we get past two kids you are actually outnumbering the adults in your household unless of course your other half is a big child and ah well can't help you there.

Of course you can attempt "divide and conquer" but this only works when you are using the following items - sweets, ice-cream, television and if all else fails - money!(technically can be seen as protection money).

There can be alternative endings (do not have to wait for the DVD box set to see this) they grow out of it, get bored by it or find quieter ways of annoying each other.

Ah bliss, the joys of parenthood.

The "W" word

Two of the most scariest words in the world begin with "w".

Here they are
"weight" and even worse than that "waistline"
(hope nobody fainted)

I have been a big boned girl for a long time (ok I know we all have the same sized bones but this is my version) and have never ever been the slim willowly type woman more of an oak tree with large branches kinda of woman. Once I was complimented on my fine 'child-bearing' hips - yes the last of the great romantics lives in Ireland, he didn't seem to understand why this compliment did not endear me to him!! I occasionally fretted about it as you do when you are young but at the time I was using the memory of a goldfish and used the age old mantra
"ah feck it I'll do something about it tomorrow" and then "what am I suppose to do tomorrow?" see goldfish brain!
Of course now the funny thing is that when I see photographs of my younger self I think "why did you get your knickers in a twist sure you were fine" compared to now I was a bloomin top model!

Now I do have a waistline, it is round here somewhere (ha ha ha) and yes I would like to loose weight just as much as the next person unless that person is _____________ (fill in the gap with the name of anyone famous you think are too thin!) And granted my eating plan so far has been hit and miss, okay thinking that because I did not eat 10 chocolate biscuits my body should drop a kilo in weight in appreciation may not be the best plan but hey a girl has to try.
I have thought of alternative plans - wiring my jaw shut (ah no that was my husband's idea!)
not buying any food (funnily enough my children do not like this plan) and dare I even say it - doing sport (you see how desperate I became!!)

I have often read inspiring stories of woman who seemingly overnight lost 2 dress sizes, the only time I did that is when I accidently donated the wrong clothes bag to charity!! Or you know those 'chick-lit' books where the woman is so unhappy with her life and suddenly she turns it all around and the 'weight' just drops off her, well the only time weight actually dropped off me was when I gave birth or accidently dropped my slice of carrot cake!!

However I always took time to inspire others with a "w" issue, some years back I met a new Mum who had a little baby and she was complaining about how she hadn't yet lost any of the 'baby' weight she gained during pregnancy, I told her that it was the same for me,
Me - How old is your baby?
Her - Nearly 3 hours old (only kidding!) 6 months old so it is time I lost the weight and your child?
Me - Ah lets see, nearly 10 years old!
And she was fine once she stopped sobbing hysterically.

So now I have apparently hit the age of reason (ouch did not see that coming) and should be more grown up about this 'weighty' issue (har har har) and more serious (well it is a heavy subject!) and do all that serious malarky - eating well and doing sport (oh nearly had a dizzy spell writing that!) and then apparently that is when you loose weight (yep sounds dodgey doesn't it?) or else I could just hire David Copperfield to 'magic' it away!!Hey it could be the new 'diet',  forget Atkins, South Beach etc no do a Copperfield and "magic" it away or better still "saw" it away!

No?

Okay it was worth a shot, I will make an effort, yep I'll only eat 8 low fat chocolate biscuits now (see the effort I am making!! amazing huh?) and see if my body will at least drop 100 grammes in appreciation of my will power.

See I am not afraid of the "w" words.................................okay just a little!!