Ah remember those wonderful years of been a teenager?
No.....neither do I. As I see my daugther gradually coming up to those years I am torn in either sending her to Easter Island for the duration of adolescence or filling up the fridge with lots of wine, yep the wine won.
I think one of the worse things of those years is all those body issues that pardon the phrase 'pop up', I mean your hormones are playing havoc with your emotions and then you get an enormous spot right in the middle of your forehead, Mother Nature does have a sick sense of humour. So been of the caring and sharing type of mother I have decided to give a few pointers to my daughter for these 'formative' years.
Boobs
They will arrive in some shape or form so be happy when I bring you to get measured for a bra etc and do not ask for a sparkly bra, too bloomin hard to wash!!
Hair
When the urge of experimenting with hair colour comes upon you, go to shop, buy proper hair colour, use it carefully and enjoy whatever disaster that happens do not use red, green or blue food colour dye because you think it is cool and you are saving money, nope all that money saved will be used on cleaning every item of clothing that came into contact with your hair to get rid of that 'cool' colour!!
Hair Part 2
If you should bemoan the fact that your hair is not as curly as you wish it to be then get it slightly curled to see the effect do not put rollers/curlers in your hair for a whole day and night - trust me you do not want to come out looking like a muppet or an outcast from Annie!!
Body Hair
Oh yeah its gonna happen so be prepared, when you finally think that you are beginning to look like the missing link thanks to your hairy legs then go get them waxed do not shave them using a razor that has seen better days and do not shave on the ankle bone!!!! you will be amazed at the amount of blood that spurts out from this place!!
Body Hair Part 2
Armpits - yep even there Mother Nature had to have a laugh, unfortunately these areas because real sweaty pits and need to be removed on a regular basis do not fool yourself in thinking that body spray/perfume will do the job, no when Mother Nature was inventing the arm pit area she was basing it on several stinky french cheeses!!!!
Facial Hair Part 1
Oh yeah when you are in the missing link mode you may notice that a slug has left a trail across your top lip!! do not try out any new fangled methods to get rid of this 'trail' blast it off with wax but not the candle kind!!
Facial Hair Part 2
So as the slug left the trail on your upper lip your eyebrows may have gotten lonely and either decided to meet up in the middle of your forehead to have a chat or due to cold weather decided to resemble a thorny bush do not use a razor or scissors to did this job, if you know of any landscape gardener in need of business contact them failing that go get them waxed!! The correct wax of course!!
Crimsom Tide
Ah yes the wonderful sign from Mother Nature that you are a woman, yep instead of diamonds been sent once a month, you feel your insides are been put through a blender - ah bliss this womanhood malarky but the must important thing to learn about this time is do not wear white!!
trust me it always, always goes wrong!
I will stop there for the moment as if I tell her anymore she may just pack herself off to Easter Island to avoid adolescence, so naturally I am so looking forward to these years like I look forward to plucking my eyebrows but my plan to keep them blurry should work, a glass of wine anyone??
Sunday 19 June 2011
Thursday 9 June 2011
OMG...................................
In some parts of the world the silly season has begun.
This has nothing to do with hunting wild animals, getting unusual tattoos done or trying to marry George Clooney (okay that might be the season I am trying to start!)
No there are parents out there in the universe getting themselves in a tizz for their child's First Holy Communion - first time little Jimmy or Bridget gets to really participate at Mass by receiving the small disc shaped bread and not the other participation of whining "when can we go home?" "will the priest ever stop talking?" and that just from my husband!!! And then for the collection box certain people would only "pretend" to drop it in the box and then happily show me their ill gotten gains in their sweaty hands at the end of Mass (no this time it was not my husband!)
When I was a little girl yes that far back the girls wore simple white dresses with a small veil yeah bordering on the wedding look and the boys were in their best Sunday suits, family and neighbours would give you some money or a small gift - rosary beads, bible, future birth plan - I'm joking!!
Then if you were lucky you went out for lunch -for me it was sausages and chips with a coke (the drink and not the recreational drug), few photos where there is always someone sulking and off home to look forward to telling everyone the next day how much money you got and comparing gifts - yes we were all shallow children but it wasn't our fault MTV hadn't been invented yet!!
I heard from friends in Ireland that in the last few years it has gone a bit crazy, girls in mini wedding dresses with a veil to match, the boys still wore their Sunday best suits but then had way out haircuts and as for the money well apparently some children could pratically put a downpayment on a house with their communion money, then there were the parties, eight course meals at the most posh hotel followed by a party at home with a bouncy castle, pony rides etc
Actually MTV could have done a show on these events, way more crazy than those Sweet Sixteen shows. To say that it had gone out of control is a bit like saying Lady Gaga is slightly flamboyant!!
Well compared to these people then I am an absolute cheap cow! All I arrange for my lot is a small party in the garden with simple food and drink (simple meaning that there is little or no preparation!) and a few friends and they can bounce the absolute heck out of themselves on the trrampoline!
Ah well no complaints so far!!
My third child is doing his First Communion this week, he is all excited and even more so since cards with money have arrived from Ireland - wow this First Communion gig is finally getting more interesting for him.
This is the child that when he started catechism classes was asked to draw a picture of Jesus and what did he do?
He drew Jesus in his underwear and just to make it extra-special he made sure to give him hairy arms and legs - yep really enjoyed the conversation with his teacher that day!!
So to say that I was a little bit worried about him doing his First Confession with the priest is an understatement, first of all I thought I was going to have an extremely long wait after he lists all of his "sins" (those of you who have met him know what I mean) but thankfully his teacher advised the children to only tell one thing but then there was the dilemma of "which one to tell?"
And also should I have an ambulance on stand-by for the priest?
Thankfully it went beautifully and the priest survived - phew!! As the year went on I thought my little fella seemed to enjoy these classes and actually getting an understanding of all this preparation for his First Holy Communion but then a few weeks ago the children were asked
"what does the priest do with the bread and wine at Mass?"
His answer
"he changes them into cake and coke!"
Opps ah well we are still keeping the money he got and I know he'll enjoy the day!
This has nothing to do with hunting wild animals, getting unusual tattoos done or trying to marry George Clooney (okay that might be the season I am trying to start!)
No there are parents out there in the universe getting themselves in a tizz for their child's First Holy Communion - first time little Jimmy or Bridget gets to really participate at Mass by receiving the small disc shaped bread and not the other participation of whining "when can we go home?" "will the priest ever stop talking?" and that just from my husband!!! And then for the collection box certain people would only "pretend" to drop it in the box and then happily show me their ill gotten gains in their sweaty hands at the end of Mass (no this time it was not my husband!)
When I was a little girl yes that far back the girls wore simple white dresses with a small veil yeah bordering on the wedding look and the boys were in their best Sunday suits, family and neighbours would give you some money or a small gift - rosary beads, bible, future birth plan - I'm joking!!
Then if you were lucky you went out for lunch -for me it was sausages and chips with a coke (the drink and not the recreational drug), few photos where there is always someone sulking and off home to look forward to telling everyone the next day how much money you got and comparing gifts - yes we were all shallow children but it wasn't our fault MTV hadn't been invented yet!!
I heard from friends in Ireland that in the last few years it has gone a bit crazy, girls in mini wedding dresses with a veil to match, the boys still wore their Sunday best suits but then had way out haircuts and as for the money well apparently some children could pratically put a downpayment on a house with their communion money, then there were the parties, eight course meals at the most posh hotel followed by a party at home with a bouncy castle, pony rides etc
Actually MTV could have done a show on these events, way more crazy than those Sweet Sixteen shows. To say that it had gone out of control is a bit like saying Lady Gaga is slightly flamboyant!!
Well compared to these people then I am an absolute cheap cow! All I arrange for my lot is a small party in the garden with simple food and drink (simple meaning that there is little or no preparation!) and a few friends and they can bounce the absolute heck out of themselves on the trrampoline!
Ah well no complaints so far!!
My third child is doing his First Communion this week, he is all excited and even more so since cards with money have arrived from Ireland - wow this First Communion gig is finally getting more interesting for him.
This is the child that when he started catechism classes was asked to draw a picture of Jesus and what did he do?
He drew Jesus in his underwear and just to make it extra-special he made sure to give him hairy arms and legs - yep really enjoyed the conversation with his teacher that day!!
So to say that I was a little bit worried about him doing his First Confession with the priest is an understatement, first of all I thought I was going to have an extremely long wait after he lists all of his "sins" (those of you who have met him know what I mean) but thankfully his teacher advised the children to only tell one thing but then there was the dilemma of "which one to tell?"
And also should I have an ambulance on stand-by for the priest?
Thankfully it went beautifully and the priest survived - phew!! As the year went on I thought my little fella seemed to enjoy these classes and actually getting an understanding of all this preparation for his First Holy Communion but then a few weeks ago the children were asked
"what does the priest do with the bread and wine at Mass?"
His answer
"he changes them into cake and coke!"
Opps ah well we are still keeping the money he got and I know he'll enjoy the day!
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