Ah remember those wonderful years of been a teenager?
No.....neither do I. As I see my daugther gradually coming up to those years I am torn in either sending her to Easter Island for the duration of adolescence or filling up the fridge with lots of wine, yep the wine won.
I think one of the worse things of those years is all those body issues that pardon the phrase 'pop up', I mean your hormones are playing havoc with your emotions and then you get an enormous spot right in the middle of your forehead, Mother Nature does have a sick sense of humour. So been of the caring and sharing type of mother I have decided to give a few pointers to my daughter for these 'formative' years.
Boobs
They will arrive in some shape or form so be happy when I bring you to get measured for a bra etc and do not ask for a sparkly bra, too bloomin hard to wash!!
Hair
When the urge of experimenting with hair colour comes upon you, go to shop, buy proper hair colour, use it carefully and enjoy whatever disaster that happens do not use red, green or blue food colour dye because you think it is cool and you are saving money, nope all that money saved will be used on cleaning every item of clothing that came into contact with your hair to get rid of that 'cool' colour!!
Hair Part 2
If you should bemoan the fact that your hair is not as curly as you wish it to be then get it slightly curled to see the effect do not put rollers/curlers in your hair for a whole day and night - trust me you do not want to come out looking like a muppet or an outcast from Annie!!
Body Hair
Oh yeah its gonna happen so be prepared, when you finally think that you are beginning to look like the missing link thanks to your hairy legs then go get them waxed do not shave them using a razor that has seen better days and do not shave on the ankle bone!!!! you will be amazed at the amount of blood that spurts out from this place!!
Body Hair Part 2
Armpits - yep even there Mother Nature had to have a laugh, unfortunately these areas because real sweaty pits and need to be removed on a regular basis do not fool yourself in thinking that body spray/perfume will do the job, no when Mother Nature was inventing the arm pit area she was basing it on several stinky french cheeses!!!!
Facial Hair Part 1
Oh yeah when you are in the missing link mode you may notice that a slug has left a trail across your top lip!! do not try out any new fangled methods to get rid of this 'trail' blast it off with wax but not the candle kind!!
Facial Hair Part 2
So as the slug left the trail on your upper lip your eyebrows may have gotten lonely and either decided to meet up in the middle of your forehead to have a chat or due to cold weather decided to resemble a thorny bush do not use a razor or scissors to did this job, if you know of any landscape gardener in need of business contact them failing that go get them waxed!! The correct wax of course!!
Crimsom Tide
Ah yes the wonderful sign from Mother Nature that you are a woman, yep instead of diamonds been sent once a month, you feel your insides are been put through a blender - ah bliss this womanhood malarky but the must important thing to learn about this time is do not wear white!!
trust me it always, always goes wrong!
I will stop there for the moment as if I tell her anymore she may just pack herself off to Easter Island to avoid adolescence, so naturally I am so looking forward to these years like I look forward to plucking my eyebrows but my plan to keep them blurry should work, a glass of wine anyone??
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